I received a well meaning piece of advice last weekend that left a really bad taste in my mouth. It annoyed me, made me mad and took me back to a time when I was surviving on the fumes of hope.
“Now that you are on this diet…..I am sure that you will fall pregnant”
Now I know what you are thinking……but you are wrong! This person has known me for a while and has known me since IVF number four! Which means that she was around for three failed treatments. Now I could go on and on about why that comment was so misguided, but I wont.
For new readers, here is the ‘nutshell’ version.
1. I have, ‘bad eggs’, a severely damaged pelvis from my endometriosis and adenomyosis.
2. After my last laparoscope I was advised to use a surrogate if I wanted to continue any kind of fertility treatment.
3. And on top of that I have no hope or desire to go down that road again.
I have given this ‘advice’ some thought and my initial reaction was the usual and oh so familiar anger. It really felt like a slap in the face, but instead of wallowing in the feeling for too long I decided to think about why it bothered me so much. I still feel the need to educate the person and REPEAT my history to her, but I think my words will be wasted.
The reality is that if someone in my life feels that it is OK to make a statement like that they
A) Do not know me very well at all.
B) Haven’t listened to a word I have said in the last couple of years.
And I suppose this is what hurts the most.
I don’t need to be treated with kid gloves when it comes to the subject of adoption and infertility; but there is a difference between asking questions so you can understand and making WILD statements. I really appreciate it when someone actually takes the time to ask me about my infertility or about adoption. It shows that they really are interested in learning something from someone else. Its respectful dammit and more people should practice it.
Miracles happen! They happen everyday; but my miracle is not to carry a child. It is to be blessed through adoption again. This is my path and I am happy to be on this path. I am so excited about our second adoption and I really have no urge at all to get pregnant. I wonder why it is so important for some people that I fall pregnant.
Do they think that I need to be healed?
Do they think that I am somehow less of a woman and mother because I haven’t given birth?
I won’t deny that it would have been nice to have had a pregnancy, but then I wouldn’t have Jayden and I can’t even imagine that reality.
I won’t deny that when someone close to me falls pregnant I still feel the echoe of pain that was so intense a couple of years ago. But I believe that these are symptoms of the past. They are normal but they are not tragic.
I suppose that my main irritation comes from my need to be understood. I experience the same reactions when people make comments like;
‘You just wouldn’t LET IT go!’
‘You just couldn’t get OVER IT!’
Well, I suppose you work hard for things that you want. If I had just gotten over it I wouldn’t have the amazing little family that I have today.
What I have to remember is that I can’t let other peoples short sighted opinions upset me. As a result of my past experiences I have a knee jerk emotional reaction to these things, but in order to develop some healthy positive thinking I need to reprogram myself and form new neural pathways. I can’t control other peoples thoughts and quite honestly they have to take ownership of what they say. I need to learn to leave the bullshit with them and so I can turn off this old record in my head.
This will be something that I have to work at……but this is the year of big dreams!
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